I'm sorry that sometimes I'm ME

Like a BOLT of lightening

2006-06-26T17:28:50Z

SOOoooo much has happened i barely know where to start, some good things some not so good things...
lets start with pride which was two weeks ago now...whenever the 18th of June was, anywho Tony and i went, First we arrived at Gary's house which was empty when we got there caz we were early, but after two drink i was a lil buzzed and there was now 200 people in his house. They needed one more person to be shot boys so i said i would do it (me being drunk) so i stip right there in the kitchen down to my underwear and take the tray of jello shots out to the drive way where the bulk of the people were. There was one other person doing shots, and whenever we would walk by each other we would shake our bootays haha. I had my ass spanked/grabbed all that night which was the most action ive had in months haha. I made 100$ off two trays of shots that were only 1$ a piece ;-) I got another offer that night to work at Styxx(gay club in Portland) doing shots for them. I also sold some shots to the guy that works at the local store near me that im always drooling over....he bought one and gave me the tip...in the front of my underwear...inside hehe it was awesome, then the party was pretty much over and we went to the pier to the huge pride dance. Tony and i had a lot of people take our pix most of which we found on the internet haha. I danced sooo much that night, and got a lot of compliments on my dancing....im way better drunk i guess haha.

Finally went to the NIN concert (Nine inch nails) and Peaches were playing before them which i was soooooo excited for! and they were awesome, i later found out that they were high outta their minds off a gravity bong. Then NIN came out and the moshing began. then i think i got felt up by some asshole who was behind me, at frist i was like o just another mosher, but the rubbing of my leg was just uncalled for. so I moved and he said "Didn’t like that did u" i was like OMG....it ruined my night I was like wow what an asshole... and it sucked even more caz Will (sub Stud)was there, but I lost him. He came up to me before the concert started, i was blushing as usual, Erika was there and witnessed the whole thing haha.

Tony and i went to the club last Thursday and it sucked majorly for me. It was def attack of the Ex's that night. Steven was there, kyle was there..it was like AHHHhhhhh. I got really upset and the night just kept getting worse. I was pissed that Steven didn’t even fucking say hi to me. we didn’t even end on bad terms. He's just got some problems i guess/or so I’ve been told by his friends. Then another person just pissed me off like whoa... i mean i know he likes my friend/finds him attractive, but seriously u dont tell someone they "are only hot caz ur dancing with Tony" that’s just wrong...here i am already self conscious as it is, and i get this thrown in my face. I think its time to leave the 313 for good. I’m sick to death of it, same people diff drama one small dance room yuckie! Tony and I are gonna hit up bean town one night fo sho!!

Speaking of The Sub Stud (will from the local store) I finally got the balls to ask him out for a bite to eat....and he said yes!! well here is the convo (i was sooooo pumped)

What i said:
Hey haha ive been coming to visit ya a lil too much lately lol im running out of reasons to come in there...besides the obvious *wink* yeah my computer still is not working well the internet isnt at least, but im using my mom's computer for now...it sucks. it was def a good surprise seeing u at the NIN concert, and glad u liked peaches....but yeah if ur ever bored/got free time. we should do something like grab a bit to eat or sumthin along those lines, away from the scolding hot ovens that u slay over lol i saw that u were working today caz its on the way to my moms.....(i promise lol no stalking hehe ;-) so hope work went well. and ill ttyl stud
~Corey

What he said:
Hey cutie,
Sorry that you are still having computer problems. Hope that you get them all fixed soon. I thought that you lived with your grandmother? Do not worry about the stalking....hehe.......I like it *wink*. Let me know your schedule and we will get together for a bite (to eat that is). Well I hope that you had a great weekend. Talk to you soon.
TTFN
Will
So excited hopefully ill have something gooood to write about next time :-D hehe wish me luck peoples!

Picking up the pieces

2006-05-28T19:05:05Z

Ugh so behind on my entries again...so quickly it happens...not much has been going on. I mean at times there was, but nothing big enough to write about. I’ve been hanging out with Tia a lot which is awesome because we always have the best times. Last week we had like two nights of parties which included drinking, and Shaylah, who i haven’t seen in years caz she’s been away at college. Tia and i used to go to her mothers daycare once upon a time ago. I used to be Shaylah's best friend but then things got distant, i went to live with my grandparents and we slowly drifted apart. Anyways we smoked and drank with her which was awesome. And with Sarah who also went to the daycare....haha if only we knew when we were younger that 10 years from then we would be doing that lol.
I've been working like crazy, well not really i get a few days off....im usually always working 5-11 which fucking sucks caz i love night time and i dont have anytime to hang out with people at night and i hate it. But my manager wants me to start opening and im scared and a lil leary about it caz ill be all by myself and if something happens i wont know what to do...so it sucks. And this girl that ive become friends with and is my favorite to work with just gave her two weeks notice....so now its gonna suck. I made friends with this other guy, it seems the one thing that everyone there has in common is that they all smoke grass...which is funny. He told me we should totally smoke it up some night...i dont know though im not all about chillin with straight guys...makes me nervous...only caz ive been shit on by so many of them im like heterophobic.
Another thing that’s happened. Is the guy that ive had a crush on that works at the local store right by me named William has been talking to me a lot lately...well not so much right now but a few weeks ago. He told me he was going through a break up with his bf, and then confessed that every time he waited on me at the store he was kinda flirting with me! i was like OOOOMMMMGGGGG i died... hahah tia was all happy for me when i read her the messages he would send me such as this...

Hey there cutie,

Just thought that I would say hi and see how your weekend went. Mine was crazy as usual. I am glad that you had a good time in NH. How is work going? Well, talk to you later.

Will

I was in shock... i went into the store one night before i went to the club 313 in Manchester so i was looking all dressed up and he asked me what i was doing that night and i told him i was going to the club and he told me that i looked Cute...i was like in shock mode again. Then i told him i liked his hair and it looked "surfery"....haha..not much for speaking i guess. Anyways doesn’t really matter anyway i haven’t spoken to him in like a week. I guess things got better with his bf...sucks. Last Thursday Tony and i went to the club again and we got drunk and i ended up taking my shirt off, dancing 10 kinds of nasty, and telling random people that they are cute...ew but least we had fun. Then the next day i get a message on my myspace from the owner of a local gay club/bar called Styxx and he asked me if i would be interested in being a shot boy there and that they are always looking for new faces...so i figured if i can run around a club with my shirt off then i can get paid for it. It would friggen rock!!! i just don’t think i have the looks that they are looking for...im too self conscious...i hate it...but my face has finally cleared up (for the moment, it changes daily) but the clearness has lasted for 4 days....i don’t know what im doing to it...but im scared to change any of my patterns. just remember the steps 1. wash face twice a day 2. put a mask on twice a week 3. use the oil control spray 4. KEEP MY HAND AWAY FROM FACE! i always am doing that. I just need to start working out more at my house doing the push ups and the crunches and hopefully ill feel good enough to work there.. we'll see how the interview goes. The guy wants me to come in next week. Im hoping Tony will go with me...although they will want him over me i know it... It will be interesting i know that...plus i could so use the extra money. I told Jess (the girl that’s leaving movie gallery that i like) that i was gonna be doing that and shes like I LOVE THAT CLUB! and she told me that I’ll make a lot of money there. so hopefully she’s right. I'll believe it when im there.
So its such a nice day out...and i have to work at fucking 5-11pm :'( Jess asked me if i could cover her shift, and i remembered that she covered mine on mother's day when i was sick and throwing up non stop. so i owed it to her....but i really wanted to get out and enjoy the day i hate it. O well least i have off tomorrow and Erika and i are going to walk the Boulevard so that should be nice, plus ill get some color as well, even though im going tanning also. Tomorrow should be fun. im excited. Summer is FINALLY HERE!!!!!! WOOT WOOT!

Shadows...

2006-05-04T18:43:12Z

Things have been going very slow lately. Work is only 3 days a week which have been sat, sun, and Monday. Which isn’t good. I get a total of either 18 or 19 hours a week. I go through 9 hour shifts standing the whole time, without a break. I’m slowly working up the courage to apply to a film school, or even a school that offers some film programs. I need to get my life started.

I went on a date last night. I knew him from myspace, and then i saw him randomly at the Hannaford that’s near me when i stopped in after work. He asked me if id want to hang out sometime and i said sure, and the next day he IM's me and asks me out to dinner. When we agreed we both weren’t hungry, we decided to stay at his place and watch a movie, which turned out to be the 40 year old virgin. Nothing happened on the date, in fact we sat a lil bit apart from each other, which isn’t unusual from any other date, it was...a little boring. After the movie was over we just watched TV, which happened to be ever show that I don’t like (ie sex and the city, punk'd, yes dear, and some other dumb MTV show.) The distance between us confused me, i wasn’t sure if he was shy, nervous, or did not like me. After 2 hours went by after the movie, i was convinced that he wasn’t going to get any closer to me, after i tried to get closer to him. I had tried to make many conversations with him, but they didn’t go very far, i just remember asking a lot of questions, and hope they would go somewhere, but they didn’t. What had me confused is that, the day he met me in person he said i was cute, then i go there and he sits far from me, had me a little upset. I just felt like i needed to leave or he wanted me to leave, so i kept asking him if i was keeping him up, and what time he usually goes to bed, i more or less just wanted to leave. After i left, on the ride home i was a little upset, I didn’t think i was good enough, or what he wanted. I don’t handle rejecting well at all. I think its just because im so filled with insecurities that it burs my vision of myself to a point where i cant see anyone being attracted to me. Which makes it that much harder to go out and do things, like dates or clubs. I think my past has just had that much of an effect on me, to a point where i almost actually feel ashamed of myself. It all goes back to School. Everyday after school, during school, and before school, i was teased, followed, and harassed by the kids at my school. Most people don’t even know. All for being gay. Most days it would be them teasing me for being gay, telling me to kill myself, or picking my features apart (such as, eyes, nose, clothes, and hair) It got to a point where i was alone all the time, no one would want to be near me because they were scared of being teased too. And of course i had to hide all my emotions from my grandparents when i got home. I didn’t want them to have to worry about me, or doing anything. I just wish so badly that things had been different. but at least i was myself....

Now a days things are changing. Erika has moved out of her house, now lives three cities/towns away in South Portland, with her brother, everyday we would hang out, now I don’t ever get to talk to her till she gets her phone up. I never know when she’s home so i try not to just appear at her house. Although one day ill break that and just go over. Now my hazing comes from my grandparents. They ridicule me, in a settle way that’s almost bearable. They basically want me to not be gay in their house, and i sadly do as I’m told so that i cant keep this roof over my head. But i weigh the pros and cons and i don’t see this working out. Everyday it gets harder to bear. Their rude ignorant comments almost makes me hate them. I couldn’t imagine saying anything as hateful to them as they have to me. Its really not fair that my sexually should be a problem with me living there. I've never brought anyone home (not that i have anyone, or that they would allow me to) i cant never have a relationship, which i do anyways, i just cant talk about things that bother me. I cant wear clothes that fit me (a.k.a. smalls) i do all these anyway, but then they feel the need to comment about them and create problems with it. Mostly I do them all behind their back. I would love to be open with them. They just don’t allow me to, and want to be something I’m not, and never will be.

The day i move out of this place will be a dream. Which is why i need to get looking for a college, seeing that’s the only way to get out of this place. I’m just hoping that me being away from this house, my family, this city, will open me up more, and be more comfortable with being Corey, and not the unattainable person they label me to be.
All in all this day hasn’t started out too great. My mother calls me and tries her best to be concerned with me, the next thing I hear is "ill have a hazelnut coffee, with two creams and two sugars please." thus forgetting the whole story i had just told her.
Can't wait for things to change..

I miss the brightside...

2006-04-25T18:46:35Z

Im moving on from things. Im trying my best to finally learn to not wait for things to fall into place, and to not wait for people. For the most part, you can only depend on yourself and no one else, except for your best friends. I’ve been so cranky today, and i don’t like it/don’t know where its coming from. I lost the cap to one of my burts bees ance shit and it went way in back of the radiator in the bathroom. I tried my best to get it, even shoved my hand back there which was totally gross caz its all dusty and dirty. I like went off on the swearing to myself, and i was GOING to get that cap weather it killed me....but i didn’t get it. I don’t know, after that i was just like WOW...where did all that emotion and anger come from. I've been harboring it all along, and i cant do that. I just have a hard time now expressing my emotions, i don’t know why, but it makes it that much harder to cry and to feel a certain way for awhile. I cant say ive had many emotions over the past month, just one, which is depressed. I cant cry. All i can do is think, think about my future, people, leaving friends behind....im just not ready to be all alone, and i dont know if ill ever be, and that really scares me. Its defiantly not a good way to be.

Work sucks, I never have any breaks, i stand for nine hours and only eat one meal a day when i work. I want to leave that job, but the manager keeps at me to be an assistant manager, which i don’t want to be anymore. Its just way too much responsibly that im not ready for. Plus with the no breaks or anything i really dont want to be an assistant manager there. I don’t even know when im gonna get paid. I’ve worked there for 3 weeks and nothing. Its because of this damn card that we all get paid with. Its like an ATM for our paycheck. And mine is always saying its blocked and to call the company. Which im always at my manager to fix/help me with. And he keeps saying "oh well i need ur social security # which i give out like im asking for a stolen identity. But right now all i have to my name is 71.00.

And now it looks like Erika is being forced to move out to her brother's house which is all the way in south Portland...which fucking sucks, caz finally its summer and with gas prices being how they are, i was gonna start walking everywhere and not use my car so much, like walking to Erika’s house. Now that she’s moving out to so po, that would be a rather long ass walk. So many things suck right now. Things are changing that i have no control over. I really want to get an apartment with Erika, but that would mean staying in Maine, getting a local job here, going back to SMCC and settle for some job that will make me money. Then coming home from it and escaping life for awhile. But now that Erika is moving away, it might give me the initiative to get things going. As scared as i am on being a movie director, its the only thing i want to do. I just don’t know where it will take me. But being a director is my dream. And what the fuck is any life if not the pursuit of a dream....

Aside from the dreary things, April 20th was amazing! Erika and i went over to Tia's and smoked wayyyyy more then we should have, but hey this day comes but once a year. Then we broke out the beer and got completely wasted. Then on the 21st Silent hill came out, which was also amazing! went to see it again on Saturday. It was really creepy and messed up at times, but it explained so much, and had a really cool story behind it. Got me really pissed when i read the reviews for it the next day and saw that no one understood it which was unbelievable.....sigh people can be so disappointing.

I need to get things straightened out
i need a new job..
i gotta get my ass in college...soon!

"what comes is better then what came..before"

2006-04-19T20:58:37Z

my poem:
life gets harder as it goes on
sometimes its too much to take all at once
there are people who fill our lives with brilliant colors
then their are those who fade it to gray
there are those who fill our heart
then some who tear it all apart
some days I wake up wanting to scream to the top of my lungs
to cleanse myself for all that’s gone wrong
we remind ourselves that depth is the greatest of heights
and not let shallowness be a virtue
as we move on from the people that hurt us
The scares remind me what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger
only wanting that love from another
but sometimes the tide pulls me under
where i sink and cannot swim
then you come with a raft
and save me on your own behalf
and soon will throw me back in
left all alone again in the world
with the feeling of being needed with no one to need
so you feed me with your words of hope
and i ingest it with all my attention
i thought i had once learned my lesson
summersault backwards to the start
now your words i tear apart
as i build my metal heart.

fire on the inside

2006-04-18T19:06:43Z

Ugh Ive been such a busy bastard lately, i like dont even have time to eat. First of all i worked 3 days in a row at movie gallery, which is amazing since they (like L.L. Bean) are giving me shit hours. But the manager mike who i had been working with all day yesterday told me to wait after my shift and his was done. He walked me to my car (which was weird and awkward) and told me that i was doing a great job. Then told me he forgot something and walked back to the store, and almost got hit by a car lol. I was just like WTF!?! But yeah i don’t get any breaks or lunches at the job....so i went like 27 hours without eating, what my body was going on i have no idea, pretty much beer from Tia's B-day party which was amazing. But working the next day was not (which was yesterday). I prob got six hours sleep total. So i made up for it today by going to sleep at 2 after going to Tia's house again last night and watch Wolf Creek. then waking up at 2pm haha. wow lazy basterd i am!

Tia's B-day was Monday. She had a party Sunday night. Which was a few of her friends playing beer pong haha. It was so funny i haven’t laughed that hard in a loooonnnggggg time. Sarah and i were cracking each other up, pretty much reliving our trip to Boston. I brought Erika and made her drink, even thou i knew she wanted to hehe, which she did. Tia def had a good time. I got home around 3 and cooked a pizza, couldn’t eat it all caz it was so late, and i had to get up at 8:30 to go to work at 10. ugh boy did that suck. Then Monday night Tia and i hung out again. To watch Wolf Creek. Then we picked up Erika to watch it with us. They had a sneak peek at Silent Hill on MTV which i HAD to watch. It was pretty awesome. Its gonna be one kick ass movie. Cannot wait till Friday!!!
So thanks to Movie Gallery, i get the chance to Watch the First season of The L word. Which is sooooo much different then the 3rd season. Tia and i both agree its a lot happier. Grammy and grampy got the chance to finally meet tia. I think they were starting to think she didn’t exist, since i always go to her house. (I've used tia for a lot of lies I’ve told my grandparents, like ill say im sleeping over her house when i go down to the club, or when i was with my ex's, only because they don’t know Tia or Tia's number hahah) I don’t like bringing people over to my house because grandparent are ALWAYS HOME!!!! ugh it gets so annoying. Plus the house is small so its like being in the same room with them, caz u cant talk about stuff without them hearing, which really hasn’t been a prob, but could be. im not risking it.

Disappointed again. Found out something that did not make my day. Wish i knew what was going on. I hate feeling like a "back up plan". And i just need to learn College, before relationships. Caz right now even I could go further in college then a relationship now, caz no one is looking for a monogamous relationship. Its all fun and games and I’m out and im not just talking about anyone specific right now its just guys in general from my experience. I was going to try my best to make it work, but now I don’t think its necessary or even needed, ....or wanted...

...ugh I don’t know what to do..

"..Dead butterfly with no maker.."

2006-04-16T20:19:19Z

Yesterday was my second day at Movie gallery. It was Saturday....and it was busy, and i was like fearing for my life because i didn’t know what all to do yet. So right when i get there its busy, and im standing there being all new and stuff, and i mess up immediately. Someone had a late fee they didn’t know about and i had already rung them up, and they were like "why did it cost so much?" and im like, oh fuck....caz I forgot to tell them that they had a 9$ late fee, and then they are like "no..no...no i don’t have a late fee." then i had to get the other guy i was working with over to come and help me. Then later on i had a customer who didn’t have enough money to pay for the movies. So he asked if he could pay for it next time he comes in.......im just like "uh...i don’t think we do that here" and he goes off on some speech on how he is trustworthy. Meanwhile i yell to Jim (co-worker) to come and assist. And the customer is still going on about how he promises to pay us back. Im just like "Jim....Jim....JIM!!!" lol I go in again today, hopefully not a lot of people rent on Easter...with my luck it will be packed....i just need a slow day so i can actually learn instead of doing everything by doing it as i go. I need instructions. the good thing about my job, is that i get to talk about movies a lot with the people that work there. I went off with Jim about Silent hill coming out this Friday (so excited) he had played all the games. i had only played the first one back when i was younger (i think 1999).

Speaking of Easter. Went out with mom her bf Steve, grammy and grampy to The Village Cafe (Italian restaurant) Grammy starts getting all annoying and is like "oh we have to sit here....i wanted to sit in the other room, these seats are too low, i would love to sit in that other room" i was just like shut up or they will spit in our food. The waitress was just like that room is full....but that wasn’t enough for grammy, she kept on. I don’t know what she expected them to do for her...Then i had mom who wouldn’t shut up. Kept talking and talking and talking. She kept giving me compliments which is fine, but i knew it was just caz she wanted something to say. She'll give me compliments even when she doesn’t like what the person is wearing. I don’t know, i guess im not big on family get togethers. They are always so lame. Then to be in this big room filled with families stuffing their faces made it worse. I really don’t like going out to eat on holidays. Apparently they close the mall for Easter....but they keep it open for thanksgiving....weird...
So when i got home from work last night, tia texted me to come over, she had some friends over, and one of her friends had their gay friend with them. Tia thought it would be fun for me to come over to chill with them for awhile. I had missed some stuff obviously caz I didn’t get out till 11pm, and i didn’t get over to her house till 11:30. And didn’t end up leaving till 2:30am haha. But yeah the gay guy that was with Tia's friends from Auburn was WAY to flammy. He had his Gucci sunglasses on which he couldn’t stop fiddling with. Im just so glad im not like that. He was so fixated with his glasses and what clothes he was wearing, and what his nails looked like...i was just like oooommmmgggggg. Tia also had someone from her work there, that we both know from school (very random night) i never liked her, she was always one of those skipping class sluty smoker girls. I had this chair that was really high up, and i told them that i felt like I was in a castle or something. Then that girl said "your a princess" and i gave her the look of death....one of those "oh no you fucking didn’t say that" kinda looks. Tia and i glanced at each other. And tia comes to my defense and is like "no, Corey is def a prince." and of course the gay flamer chimed in and said "im a princess". But yeah Tia and i def weren’t impressed with that girl. I wasn’t impressed with the guy there at all either. Tia warned me that he was really really gay...which i don’t mind...but you really cant make being gay ur life. i just couldn’t relate to that. But i kept seeing him stare at me in the corner of my eyes. I would glance at tia across from me, and she would look at him to see if he was looking, and sure enough Tia and i broke into laughter when we saw him stare...i was just like oh god....is it my turn to smoke yet?! haha

Grammy has been getting on my case a lot. The worst part is, when she is bored, she loves to start arguments with people, usually me, and she knows just how to press my buttons....good thing is i know just how to aggravate her right back. i bought two Yeah Yeah Yeah's t-shirts from their website, and she fucking yelled at me for over an hour about how i spend too much money....which i haven’t bought anything in awhile. Then she started in on how ill never amount to anything just like my mother, and how i spend every little penny i have just like my mother....i don’t mind being compared to my mother on some things...but when grammy does it, it's usually in a negative way, and i don’t like being compared to my mother like that, caz i know ill never be like that. She is just so hurtful sometimes. And usually she doesn’t even know it. I wish i had a tape recorder to show her just how mean she can be. I mean i do most everything she asks for, every morning she asks me to hook her bracelet together, caz i guess my hands are small enough to hook it together. And when she gets sick i wait on her. I don’t know....i just have to move out soon....ugh no fun here.

Im scared that my cat is getting old....i cant imagine losing him. He is seriously like my child. I’ve had him since i was just a small little bean haha. But he's just always there when i get home. And sleeps on the end of my bed. And from what im told, is restless when im gone overnight. That’s what makes me want to have a kid when i get older...I never thought id want one. But just seeing how strong i feel about my cat. Makes me wonder if i would really want a child. And i think i do, i mean i would love to have one with the right person, but i wouldn’t mind raising one by myself either, if it came to that, but would rather be with someone. i think i would make a really good parent. I feel im good with kids, im always helping out with my brother's kids when i see them....i don’t know why im talking about this haha, just bored i guess. wow... haha

anywho its like 4:30 and i gotta be to work at 5, then tia and i are watching a movie (which i get to rent for free haha) around 10:30ish should be good times.

Party in Bean town

2006-04-09T21:59:36Z

So yesterday was my 2nd trip to Boston, since.....*sigh* i was with Steven....*wonders what ever became of him* It's so weird, you wonder what becomes of your ex or ex's when your not with them anymore. You don't really care, but at the same time you can't help but question "where are they now" at least i do, i mean you both shared a time in both your lives together that meant something to both of you at the time, then faded away like a beautiful drawing done in chalk that is washed away as soon as the rain falls (that was me trying to be poetic).

Anyways. So Tia, Sarah (whom i haven’t seen in years, went to daycare with her back in the day)and i left Maine at about 4:30 and made it to Boston later after that (don’t really remember what time it was) and as soon as we get in the city we're lost. So we call a couple times and get directions from Tia's friend who we were going out there to see/have a party. We make it there finally, and i part in a "residents only" parking space, which scared me a lot, caz i just paid off the two tickets i got when i was in Montreal. Tia told me if we got a ticket she'd pay for it. So we parked there and heading to the apt, which was on the top floor (6th floor) with like the maximum capacity on the elevator which was freaky...
Soon as we get in the apt we introduce ourselves and all that get-to-know-ya-shit lol then we smoked the biggest joint I’ve ever seen. We got their way too early, the party didn’t begin till 11. By then we were dying for some alcohol to get it started. We were drunk by the time people started showing up. I only remember bits and pieces of the night. I remember we played 2 games of beer pong....we were very wasted after that.... (i.e. we lost) i had no coordination what so ever. Sarah and Tia started getting more attention from this creepy 29 year old then they wanted....it didn’t help any when Sarah pulled down her pants and flashed the whole room to show her thong *silly sarah* Tia wasn’t feeling the party, and i wasn’t all about it, i mean i didn’t mind being there, but i wouldn’t have minded leaving, and going to Tia's other friend's house in Peabody mass. So Tia called her friend Jess and told her about the party and what was going on (with the creepy guy, and i guess her friend that we came to hang with. So then comes this dilemma where Tia's friend Jess (from Peabody mass) come over with her girlfriend (which was awkward) and they wanted to know if we wanted to go with them. (Tia kinda hinted to Jess that she would rather hang with her then the girl we came to see) THEN the people there start getting all like "why are you leaving, your not having a good time?" and blah blah. So Tia was stuck in what i remember as the most awkward position to be in. first of all we were really drunk and could not handle what was going on at the moment. every now and then the girl who we came to see, her boyfriend kept popping up and was like "you want to stay don’t you" *looking at me* and im just like oh god....caz i only wanted to do whatever Tia did, if she was uncomfortable then i was cool with leaving. But somehow the whole thing got dragged out, and the party started to liven up, and we didn’t really want to leave anymore. So Tia and i conversed safely in the bathroom. And i told her that i felt bad that she has to tell Jess who drove from Peabody to where we were in Boston to get us. So i told her i would be there with her and try to help her out, and boy was that hard. There was a point to where we were talking with jess in the bathroom (thus being the quietest place in the apt) and it got really awkward, and im like falling over on the tub as we're talking, and it just got weird and quiet, so i decided to make it not so awkward and said, "jess do u think im very feminine acting" we all just laughed. And im like *few, that’s over with* So we finally told jess that we were ok, then she left, and to make it worse, her car stalled, and she was outside with her girlfriend for two hours waiting for a tow. We just continued with the party.
I remember there was a point where Sarah and I were sitting against the wall, and attempted to have a conversation....of course about sex. Somehow...don’t know how it happens....but that is always a subject that comes up. Manly caz she asked me to guess what she misses, then said sex, and i told her that i agreed with her totally. Then shocked the shit out of her when i told her my last time was......sometime last September. shes like, "holy shit, my last time was last week". haha i love Sarah. We ordered pizza and pigged out on that. Then later in the night we found ice cream and ate the shit out of that. By the end of the night the beer keg was gone. Can i just say how much i hate beer. I mean the stuff we had wasn’t THAT bad but it deff wasn’t good. The first 3 drinks were rough, then somehow the rest just slipped down my throat. I don’t remember how much we all drank, mainly how much i drank, but i prolly don’t want to know...if i were to guess id say 10 red plastic cups. Somewhere around 4:30am we passed out on the couch, then i slept on the floor caz i felt like the room was spinning way too much when i closed my eyes.

We got up around 9am then we get our stuff together and head out. I was relieved to see there were no parking tickets on my car. We walked by this one car that had half a manikin in it.....lil creepy...i joked and said that was prolly the creepy guys car. We headed out in the same direction that we came...which became a prob when there were unexpected One Way streets. I accidentally ran a red light, thinking i could turn right and head down this street, then tia yells its a one way street, so i was already in the middle of the intersection, so i just went, then i pulled in some parking lot and told them i needed a break. All we could think of is the scene from clueless where the girl accidentally gets on the freeway and they all freak out....that happened many times with us... one word Masshole drivers. I had so many close encounters where i thought people were just gonna hit my car. I felt bad that we looked so much like tourists. We finally made it home around 12pm

It was def a fun trip, now i get to go to work tomro morning, for my first day at movie gallery (god help me) im hoping its not a bad job, it doesn’t look like one, hey i get free rentals. Now that the L word is over Tia and i decided that Sunday's we'd choose a movie to rent then id get it at movie gallery for free, and have a movie night. course i was pissed when i found out that i work next Sunday till closing which is 11pm. So we're gonna work something out. ugh i hope it goes well tomro

Fuck It!

2006-04-03T20:47:40Z

So I’ve been waiting all fucking day for the shithead at movie gallery to call me back like he said he was going to, im hoping he'll call me still at some point, It being 4:30 right now...so to take my mind off it, i smoked, and got a lil less pissed.

Well on my journey i was looking at my old journals, that were not on the computer like this lil old bitty here haha. In the old composition notebooks. I have two filled up here that i was looking at. I was such a dramatic bastard, guess not much has changed, although id like to think im not as obsessive now. but i found this "poem" if u will about my mother, that i wrote at some point where she did something to upset me. it goes a lil something like this..

"Ode to a mother"
you took care of me for six years
then Grammy calmed my fears
now your free like a bird
you always go back on your word
I remember all the times i spent waiting for you
while you were busy with YOU
you never took the time to rewind
to the past when you were fine
now it's too late
and didn't anticipate
for you to be like this
I thought you were better
but your worse
am i cursed!?!
you only think of yourself
you never think of me
and what I'm going to be
I'm leaving now
far from here
now you cant depend on me
just like i could never with you
now i want you to know
that you hurt me long ago
and ruined my childhood
you don't even know
all the times I cried and want to die
you want me to forget the past
but i cant
I remember the fights
i remember the men
i remember the drinks
i remember you left me alone
and the times you never came home
It's hard for me to respect you
and i don't try to pretend to
I almost think I hate you
but now i just forsake you
It's easy to say your sorry
but do you know what for?
I remember the brandy
you drank it like candy
I remember the smell of your breath
and how i thought it was death
I remember you pulling my hair
till i couldn’t bare
I remember when you passed out
and how i tried my best to help
your crying now i hope you see
the sad effect, you've had on me.

yeah that was a totally deep poem haha. The date on that journal was May 5, 2004. That was back when she took a drink again. I was so pissed. I also found a lot of sad entries of me gushing on some boys i thought were cute in my class that i ended up being in lust with haha but im not naming names, only because it would be that more sad. I feel like i was a nerdy fat girl such as Drew Barrymore in "Never been Kissed" lol *nervous braces voice* "oh, hi billy" haha
I also had a section for lil jokes that i had said at some point. (i was so lame)
"I used to say that my ex boyfriend smoked caz he wanted to look tougher....but seriously no one looks tough wearing express flare jeans."
"So Ethan had this shirt on that said "You are what you eat" and Ethan is such an arrogant asshole. He would alway wear that. well one day he did, and he got on my nerves talking about how he gets girls and some other pompus remaks and so i read his shirt out loud "hmmm You are what you eat then that must make u a pussy." haha he just laughed. we were the only 4 guys in a mostly all girl class so we were cool with each other. anyways. I found this one that brought me back, it was when my weird smart cousins from N.H came up. They kept trying to make this "joke" that went like this "Corey....how long is a china man" and im just like WTF....5 inches...then i laughed and they didnt. They kept on going "no HOOOWWWW LOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGG is a C H I N A man" ...as if saying it in slow motion would make me get it. I later found out that "how long" is supposed to be "howe long, is a china man" as if how long is his name. ...funny?..i didnt think so. thought it was a lil rasist.

ugh im so unmotivated about college, i hate it, partly caz i don’t want to live on campus...im not all about living with other people. I dont do well with big changes to my environment. But yeah whenever i think about it (which is always) i try not to, caz im not 100% on what to do. Its just the "make or break me" decision that im not dealing well with. Movie Directing -or- Something "logical".

still no call yet.
I'm pissed
Probably have to look for another job
On the Border is hiring….
Ugh…
*nerdy braces voice* I'm gonna get something to eat...
Then hit it.

SHOW your BONES!

2006-03-29T02:41:40Z

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs new CD came out today and of course i had to get into my YYY's T-shirt I’ve been listening to it pretty much all day, its a lil different from what they've done, but that’s good, u don’t want the same old stuff over and over again.

So Sunday was the season finale of "the L Word" and i didn’t know that and i was like whhhhaaattttt caz now we have to find something else to do with our Sunday nights till next year when the new season comes...ugh. The last episodes of this season the characters lives just kept getting worse and worse at times, one even died, another gets stood up at her wedding, one gets sued by her girlfriend. Tia was saying how she doesn’t like how the characters lives keep getting worse like a downward spiral. I told her that’s why i like the show so much, is because its real. It doesn’t take that easy Hollywood way out and have the character get out of every situation. they want to have the scene where you thought it might happen in the back of your head. But yeah ill def miss it.
I got the job at Movie Gallery, which isn’t that much of a surprise, i would hope i could get hired there...lol It was really weird let me tell you. the manager was like 25. He told me to come in Monday anywhere between 8-9,I get there at like 12:30 (silly me) and he's on his lunch break, so i went and washed my car....and got a lil wet from it... so he's there when i go back. And he takes me out back, and he says "so you've applied at the Falmouth Movie Gallery" and i said "yes, but i had to say no because i thought at the time I was moving".... (long story) then he said well im not big on talking so pretty much you know the job, do you think you would like it" and im just like wtf...yes. Then that was pretty much, then he like stumbled around looking for a pen...he was cute, lol o god... ANYWAYS!..
My mom came out to grammy.....about the going to jail in September. I guess grammy was ok with it. I was expecting worse from her, but she’s prolly like me and is used to it by now...seriously there’s not much my mom can do now to shock me. Ugh then i had to deal with my other parent today/yesterday. My dad surprised me with a visit just as i was smoking .... 0:-)oopsey... anyways he seemed high to me, i was like wait IM the high one here not u. but the worst part was he wouldn’t even do anything with me like take me grocery shopping which I haven’t been in like 3 weeks, or anything at all. He said he is meeting up with "a friend" and I knew what me met right when he said that. I know my parents all too well. He is hooking up with some bitch-hoe hahahaha when he said "a friend" im like ....ok well that doesn’t make me ponder on that statement. Hes like "she’s this girl that i like to hang out with whenever I come home, but she’s getting too serious, so I gotta let her know, i only want something to do when I get home" .....i was so disgusted by that. I don’t even want to hang out with him, not that i do really, all we do is go grocery shopping, and once in a great time he will break down and go see a movie with me, but my dad and I aren’t pals i guess. but WHO would want to be with someone who treats people like that, i was just pissed and grossed out when he said that, caz one i feel bad for the poor thing he is screwing. I bet she likes him a lot, and my dad is just in it for the fun. im sorry but i just couldn’t relate to someone like that. and that’s prob why my dad and I aren’t close, because we are so different. whatever i would never want to be like that. guys are pigs.....

..sometimes...lol

Oh Canada....

2006-03-23T07:12:36Z

Yesterday was the end of my "spring break" even though i don’t attend college (we can pretend) I went with Tony and his two roomates, and one of their friends to good old Montreal, Canada. Which was awesome x1000 for these few reasons
1. its more laid back, two guys can actually hold hands as they walk the streets.
2. the drinking age is 18 lol
so it started on Friday for me, which consisted of driving from Portland to Burlington Vermont, to get to Tony's college which was a long ass drive. We ended up staying the night at one of Tony’s friend's house, where he lived with his girl roomates and his boyfriend. Tony and his roomate and myself fell asleep to the sounds of his friend having sex with his boyfriend....not a good time....i had plenty of nightmares..and laughed a lot. Then got really aggravated and yelled "oh please its not that good." haha caz he was really going over the top..ok enough of that.
So Saturday we drove to Montreal and made it to the loft which was beautiful! and we later found out by one of Tony's friends who lives in Montreal across the street from us there that the loft we were staying at is where a lot of porno's are filmed....of course i found this out after i took a long bath....def didn’t take another one after thinking about what’s probably gone down in it... The first night all 5 of us went to the liquor store, then went home and got wasted and all toasted to a great vacation. Then Tony and i walked around the corner to the big club called "Unity II" which was huge. Not much happened there. We didn’t dance with anyone, only because we didn’t separate, so all the people there saw us together there thinking we were together im sure. Tony started to annoy me when he wouldn’t shut up about how he thought this guy was looking at him, or that guy, or him, or him....it got annoying. And at one point i wanted to say YOUR AT A GAY CLUB PEOPLE ARE GOING TO LOOK AT YOU DEAL WITH IT! but i kept it inside, and i was pretty drunk so I didn’t let it bother me too much. We danced our asses off. Then went home around 2am. Which most all clubs and strip joints close at 3am in Montreal.
The next day Tony went over to his friends house across the street who’s name was Aaron who was 26. he was gone for at least 1/2 hour. I had to fend for myself with his straight roommates...who were actually really cool and chill. We all made a bet that we wouldn’t see Tony for awhile assuming he was having sex with him. But he came home right after that and didn’t do anything with him. So later that night Aaron came over to visit us before we headed out to the Strip clubs. And i met him and said hello and all that stuff, which he was really cute. I was a lil drunk and Tony was just a lil buzzed. But i was talking to Aaron and stuff, then i would do other things in the meanwhile. Aaron soon left. And then Tony randomly came out and said, "he talked about you" and im just like.......ok....well what did he say. and he is like "I don’t want to tell you." and i say "why not" and he said "i don’t want to be mean." and of course i made him tell me to which he said "he said you were scary looking" which of course kinda ruined my night, the thought of scaring someone with my looks kinda hurts just a bit. I didn’t really believe Tony caz i didn’t feel that Aaron was scared by my looks. I mean i didn’t feel him shielding his face when he looked at me.... later that night Tony got drunk and fooled around on his computer talking to people and what not. Then after we went out, and came back to the loft around 3:45am we were both trashed, and his roommates came home at the same time from their straight strip clubs. We sat downstairs and talked it up together.... Then Tony brought Aaron up again. And can i just say how i love how u can get the truth from people when they are drunk. Tony slipped out "i was so fucking jealous tonight, i was talking to Aaron and he wouldn’t shut up about you. And how he was saying how cute he thought u were, and how he thought u were a cute twink." and i like snapped out of my drunkenness and was like "WAIT,....what?!?!" i was pretty pissed at that point and i was like "You told me he thought i was scary looking" he paused and was like "he did" and im like "ok so he thinks im scary looking then goes and says im a cute twink or whatever...that makes sense" and he told me that he was just jealous....i was really hurt by that...u don’t go and tell someone that someone thinks ur scary looking just because your jealous. For some reason Tony wasn’t like his old self on this trip... i was really upset with him. but he obviously forgot about it....in the mean time i was thinking about going over to Aaron's and making a night of it....lol but i was a good boy and didn’t. sadly....
But that night after Aaron came over we went out to our first ever strip club which was interesting....in that very dirty way....but it was still fun. I was pretty ridiculous. we left that strip club which was called "the stock bar" and went to another gay strip club a block away (i loved how we were so close to everything) this one was called "campus" and it was way better then the other. I was drunk off my ass, and i remember i looked over and saw a girl drinking and watching the male strippers. She reminded me so much of my friend Carissa. I started dancing to this good song, then the next thing i know the girl that i was looking at went on stage while there was an intermission and tapped my shoulder and asked Tony and i to join her and her friend on stage. (it was ladies night at a gay strip club...i thought that was weird) anyways like the drunk twink i was, i got on stage and gave all i had on dancing with them and Tony. I was very fun, and im sure very amusing. We then sat with the girls, and quickly became friends with them, now i have their number and they told us to keep in touch with them, and to def call them if we are ever in Canada again. I spotted a beautiful girl standing at the bar right behind us. She was very pretty, and i told her she had an awesome tattoo, she then came over and put her arm around Tony and i and told us that we are very attractive which was funny. I told her how hot i thought she was and we got to talking. Then we got back to the strippers, which gave all the attention to the ladies of course caz of ladies night. Then we were getting ready to leave and i said bye to the girl with the nice tattoo, and she go to talking some more and she told me she is from the country Hungry and is a stripper at a straight club down the road. Then had me dance with her and her friend, which ended up being me sandwiched between them. Then we had a shot together, and i told her we were leaving, so she kissed me twice on the cheek, then the next thing i know, her grip on my back got strong and then frenched the shit out of my mouth. it was pretty random. She got upset when Tony and i told her that we couldn’t share a cab with her back to where ever she wanted us to go...she had a bit of an accent...but that was a pretty good night.
The next night. Tony and i went back to the stock bar, which was like our warm up bar. We were sitting at a table when i had a huge ass grab from my seat from one of the male strippers, i only caught his back, so i didn’t know which one. Then we moved to the bar, which i sat next to this guy in his mid 50's and me being drunk and outgoing, i made conversation with him. Then Tony got into the conversation. His name was Larry, and he is from NYC but also lives in Montreal. He ended up buying us one too many shots which included a kamikaze which he said we might throw up after. we didn’t just got us completely wasted. We said goodbye to Larry and his generosity and went to the gay strip club "Campus" again. This time it wasn’t ladies night. The next thing i know Larry is there and we ended up sharing a table. I was really happy he was there, caz he made the night for me. Though he wasn’t this hot dude...he was a good guy who had good stories and insights, and had been through a lot. We got more drinks. Then he came out and asked me if i wanted a dance with one of the strippers...i really liked this one guy who had been there the night before, so me being drunk said yes. and i did, and it was pretty interesting, and awkward at the same time. We made out, he said i could do things....but i told him that i was set with making out (don’t know where he’s been) then i come back and Tony had already been with one stripper that he paid for. Then Larry asks me which stripper should he get for Tony, i told him the one i was with. so he did. he ended up doing things with two strippers which i gave him shit for, caz u seriously don’t know what they have or what they have been with. not my scene anyways. Tony wouldn’t stop going on about them. I wanted to tell him, Tony they are only in it for the money. He was all set on them loving him. I wasn’t gonna rain on his parade. just giggle a bit. let him think what he wants.
We had gone to the saint Patrick’s day parade the day before, which reminded us all of why the drinking age in America is 21, the parade ended up being the parade of drunks that filled the entire street (which was VERY very long) and litter galore. We also went into this huge mall that was at least 4 stories high, and went underground as well. We got lost on the metro which was a subway. Took us to the end of the street, so we had a very LONG walk back to the loft.
We stumbled home and said bye to Larry. We got home just as the other guys did. We had another conversation downstairs...this time the two straight guys were talking about how they might be bi sexual...i didn’t think the night could get anymore random...but that took the cake. I was just sitting there laughing, which one had his head in his hands thinking about the fact that he just might like guys more then friends. The other guy came out and said he did. And then i tired to make it less awkward and start a conversation. Then ended it when one of them started playing foot zees with me. They stopped thinking about it and went to bed. The next morning was totally different. Both confessed that they were really drunk and loving everyone a bit too much and were just saying it caz they were drunk....right... haha.
We left Tuesday night at 5 and made it home at 12:30am it was def a long drive. i saw 4 animals cross the road and prayed that i didn’t hit any animals. Knowing me i couldn’t deal with the fact that i killed a dear or a fox. Id be way upset. but luckily we just had encounters where i would honk at them and they would run away.
All and all it was def an experience. and i had a blast. def will go there again.

Half a world away....or so it seems....

2006-03-06T18:52:27Z

Dictionary definition:

stu·pid: (stpd, sty-)adj. stu·pid·er, stu·pid·est
1.Slow to learn or understand; obtuse.
2.Tending to make poor decisions or careless mistakes.
3.Marked by a lack of intelligence or care; foolish or careless: a stupid mistake.

Whose name you'll see next to it:
Corey

Im sick and tired of making stupid mistakes and putting myself in stupid situations that i should know better not to be in. Im sick of being used. I just want to be happy. And im not going to find that in love i can tell you that right now. Ive tried happiness that way many times. And each time ive been shit on. Now i need to try a new approach. Which is to get the fuck out of Maine and on with my life. Which means to get my ass into college, and not think of anything else other then following my dreams. Im going to apply at the New York Film academy.

Last week and today epically was a big eye opener. 1. I lost faith in some people, 2. When i went to the club, i went by myself, caz everyone else was either working (Tia) or away in college (Tony). I realized that ill never go alone ever again. The only reason i originally went there was to be with friends and be in a gay environment for once. and to fucking have fun!! but when i went by myself, it took on a whole new feel, i ended up standing around watching people dance, becoming more and more uncomfortable being self conscious, and drinking too many red bulls (even thought i think they are totally gross) but drank them anyways hoping they would make me relax. But by myself i felt dirty, like i was trying to hookup, which i wasn’t, but for some reason that’s how it felt. Im not that kind of person who goes and sleeps around, its not me, and it will never be me, because I don’t ever want to be like that. I don’t understand the point in it. That’s the only problem i have with clubs, i think they can be a lil gross. It was only till my friend showed up that saved the night for me. After the club i made a mistake that only hurt me the next few days after, which I kinda knew it was going to happen but wanted so badly for it to work. I guess its not a "desirable situation", but when there is something keeping you from a relationship, it makes it that more easy to forget all about it and give up i guess.... now my take on it, was that it was merely just for some easy fun..

which brings us to our next vocab word:

use: verb. used, us·ing, us·es v. tr.
1.To put into service or apply for a purpose; employ.
2.To avail oneself of; practice: use caution.
3.To conduct oneself toward; treat or handle
4.To seek or achieve an end by means of; exploit
5.To take or consume; partake of

and whos name will you also see there as well.......
I'll let you guess this one...

I want to talk about other things that have been going on. But all the fun things that I’ve done i care less about right now.
I'm simply hurt, but there is now no going back. And I’m actually fine with that. I just don’t want to be a toy to be played with. But what i wanted so badly is gone now. Its just more experience from which to learn from. But will i ever? no. do i want to learn? no. i just want to be proven wrong. will i ever be? ....god I hope so.

This is my chance. I'm done with waiting, and I’m done with following my heart. Now its time to follow my dreams. and that folks is my plan. we'll see where that takes me for now.

"..There's solace a bit for submitting
To the fitfully cryptically true
What's happened has happened
What's coming is already on its way
With a role for me to play

I don't understand
I'll never understand
But I'll try to understand
There's nothing else I can do..." Fiona Apple "Red, Red, Red"

Snap me in allll the right places

2006-02-27T21:27:30Z

Well i just returned from the chiropractor and he fixed me up reeaaall good. I went with Tia's mom (who is so sweet and nice) and my insurance paid for everything i was so happy, caz i just got my tax returns and i was damn sure i wasn’t about to use it on this! (got otha plans for that) But yeah so we get there and im all nervous of what he’s gonna do or tell me what i have or tell me that my head is not connected or something. But yeah my neck hurt sooo bad that i just had to do something so Tia's mom made the appointment today and we went together. She came in the room with me. And i was telling the doctor all my back/neck problems as he jotted it down like the lil doctor he is. and for some reason Corey just cant keep a straight back....just wants to bend over like the gay spine that it is.

It was so weird and cool and strange all at the same time. He like told me to hold my arm out and then have me support it when he would push down on it while he touched certain parts of my chest and stomach. One part i couldn’t hold up which was really weird, and he told me that’s where the stress comes from which he called Emotional Strees, he told me i had a lot, so he used this vibrating thingy and pressed it against that part of my chest, it was uncomfortable, and weird. He told me that while he was doing it to think about all the emotional parts in my life. and he did it for awhile. Then he did it again (have me support him by my arm) and he pressed a different part and my arm like flopped down. And his eyes like went wide and I’m like "OMG what’s that mean?!?!?" and he’s like hmmmmm, and he kept attempting, then he told me that that part means parasites, and I’m like EWWWWWwwwWWWWwww and he’s like "its nothing that bad to worry about, lots of people have them." but apparently it might just be the reason why I’m always so tired, and not able to put on weight. I told him those things and he agreed that those are some BIG time symptoms. Then he went to work on my neck with some kind of weird gun, that would hit my neck on the bone places. Its so hard to describe, but it didn’t hurt, some places did more then other i guess. Then he has me lay on my back and he held my head and he felt up my bones, and then held it some more and said "Ok hold on for a minute" and i like tensed up and I’m like "IS IT GOING TO HURT?!?!" and he’s like no no no, and he like pulled my head and i could feel and hear a pop, it was so gross and cool and the same time. And it kinda hurt, and right now after it, it really hurts, but he said its normal and should be better in a few days. But i found it all very cool and very weird. And he gave me some stuff to help rid the lil shit parasites, which i guess is a really strong dose.

So the NIN (nine inch nails) concert is tomro and Erika and i have been fucking waiting for this for like EVER! lol and we are so excited x10 I’m just praying i feel good. Though I’m not planning to mash into the mosh pit anyways. lol but it should be fun, and if I’m really lucky i might see the SUB STUD THERE!!!!!!! that would make my night haha.

I don’t know what that Doctor did.....but i feel different.....at least right now i do...i don’t know...i feel so awake....maybe it was that thing he did with the emotions part of me...i feel that I really needed that. I held things in too long, all i needed was a good vibrating i guess....lol

Pain in the neck..............literally

2006-02-25T00:21:42Z

I feel broken. My neck has been hurting me for 3 days now, and that cant be good. I went to the emergency room 2 days ago to get it checked out. i was in so much pain i couldn’t even describe it....but I’m going to try, lol it felt like someone was jabbing me in the neck. And i still cant turn my head all the way to the side. But the only thing the doctors did was take care of the pain, which took them 2 hours to do, while they had me sitting there with tears running down my face. I just couldn’t find a comfortable position. So now i just have pain meds that would make an addict want to steal from me. I didn’t want them, i more or less just wanted them to fix it. But apparently they couldn’t. They said it would go away, i mean its a lil better then it was, but i think its just because of the pain meds. I might go to a chiropractor and get it checked out, Tia's mom was creeping me out saying that my disk in my spine might have slipped, or i have a pinched nerve, or my spine is detaching, she’s like its better to get it checked out, so true, but i got shitty insurance. I’m falling apart....lol i hate it
weird story:
I played that childish "flip a coin" game yesterday and said a persons name that i like, and if its in the cards for us or not (i know how lame, it was late alright....) and i went with tails.....and i must have flipped that coin 7 times, and every time it landed on tails. i was like hmmmm. Its hard when ur attracted to someone physically and emotionally, and have something blocking you from it. Its really hard when u don’t know where you stand with someone, i don’t know if i have a chance or....if i should give up and move on.... I feel you should just know if something is right...or if it isn’t. So i take that as the answer. but the more i talk...the harder I fall... *sigh* guys confuse me.
I miss cuddling.....I miss being cuddled…..
ANYWAYS! the nine inch nails concert is next week and I’m excited x10 i haven’t been to a concert since ugh god Nelly Furtado lol....but we wont talk about that one. This one should kick major ass, well I’m excited. And I think the "sub stud" lol is going, so i might see him. Tia went in with me when she first saw him she was like o he is straight, then when we paid for our drinks he started talking to me, like how i have been, if i had found a job, what i was doing this weekend. Then when we left he said see you later, and Tia was like "omg when i saw him i thought i knew but i have no idea he didn’t seem gay until he started talking to you" i was so glad someone else noticed it. Caz im always so clueless when he "hits" on me. I just flirt with him in my way. Its all in fun, he’s not the guy i really like though ;-)
Ugh don’t you hate it when you talking to your friend on AIM and then someone IMs u who u don’t want to talk to like for my case your ex boyfriend who wants you back and you dont. yeah only what was sent to him instead of my friend was "Mmmmm" and my ex is like "MMmmmm??" and I’m like o fuck, caz normally id just ignore him, i just don’t want to get into it with him. Big mistake...ugh but i just signed off and everything was ok after that.
I have party plans tomorrow and I’m excited.
and i have the house to myself tomorrow...yay

I need to get out of Maine...

2006-02-16T22:08:39Z

"So be it, I'm your crowbar
If that's what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I don't know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
And you can use my skin
To bury secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
Baby-I can't help you out, while she's still around
So for the time being, I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you'll just consider this-even if it don't make sense
All the time-give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtains,
I'll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It's ok, don't need to say it." ~Fiona Apple "I know" - i love that song. ugh shes so amazing.

So yeah I've be constantly thinking about things....mainly college and work. i cant stand that i don’t know what i want. I desperately want to become a director, but i think that would make life that much harder for me. As much as i want to get college over with, i want to make sure what I’m going for is truly what i want, and i want it to give me a good life. And after all I’ve been through i think i deserve it. I just need to think what happiness is to me....besides love, which i hold above everything else. I hate that I put everything on hold for love, but its true. The way i see it, when i have it, nothing else matters. I don’t know if that’s good or not, I’m guessing its not, caz it hasn’t worked out for me too well in the past. I just need to find the right one. and no i cant say i fall in love easily, when i really like someone, i can just feel it, I’ve only been in love with two people, both of which hurt me beyond belief.

I HATE being confused....

As it turns out...my mom is going to jail for 30 days. Its so depressing to think she’s come this far 10 years being sober, then slip up this bad. I wish so badly that i had a respectable mother. But she’s all I’ve known. I'm trying to be as good as i can with her. Talking to her everyday, listening to her cry about what’s she’s going to go through. Can i just say i hate how everything happens all at once. But i hope this time she learns....like I said i gotta get away from this state, from everything....

I’m hanging out with Tia tonight, we're most def gonna smoke it up, and chill. I’m gonna miss her so much when she moves to Sanford. Its only 45 mins away luckily. So I’ve been thinking that i might just have to go crawling back to Hannaford....i hate that....but at least this time i wont be a bagger. Id defiantly try my hand at being a cashier. i just hate when people watch me count money i get so unbelievably nervous. its like back in 6th grade when you were timed to do multiplication, i would freak out, and then to make it worse the teacher would walk around looking over your shoulder. but it will be to do it, to get over this, caz its stupid. It will be nice though to be back there, ill get to see some of the people who i used to work with....but i don’t know....there were reasons i left, and every time i go back there i remember why i quit....but maybe things will be better...ugh..
I’ve been having the worst time sleeping the past week, all i do it toss and turn. I’m like so soar this morning caz of the bed i guess....maybe i need a new mattress, i wish i could get a full bed...i hate having a twin. But seems like i toss and turn and think....about the future, and of some people. Then there are the nights when my ideas flow, and i need to write, or listen to music...
but i think i might give Hannaford another chance, because if there is a chance i do move...i can always transfer, as long as there is one nearby...but we'll see...i just got my credit card bill in the mail, so yeah i gotta get my ass to getting a job ASAP! lol

Can i just say that i danced my butt off in my kitchen last night at like 1am to "You really got me" by the Kinks...haha im a dork I <3 Dancing

I feel so uneasy that i have so much feelings for someone right now.

....i need to know why I’m not good enough. Because i want to be…I guess I just don’t understand

"shit" ...basically..

Just another day...

2006-02-14T18:01:41Z

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot.
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd." -Alexander Pope
...so yeah im totally watching Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind today, its my Valentines day movie, haha.

I’m not really all that pissed over Valentines day, most people get all depressed when they don’t have anyone. I never cared caz I never really had a valentine (except for friends which is always good) so I’m used to it. The only time it mattered was last year when I had one, and i went all out, only to not get any affection back. So yeah that one sucked. So I imagine this one cant be any worse.

Everything is a mess right now and I don’t like it.

1. Erika and I are not talking, which might be for the best. I cant say I've enjoyed our time together the past week. I felt like I was by myself when we were together, while she was off in her own world, leaving me to fend for myself. But for someone to call your house at 2am, asking for a ride from way in town, then ditching you when you get there, by taking a cab and not even telling you about it, then trying to justify it by saying it was like the time when you... is fucking ridiculous!! and very immature.

2. I cant keep chasing after someone, I need to stop. Its pathetic, and I don’t want to be pathetic...so I wont. umm...uh...yeah.. I just laugh about it, in the end that’s all you can do right?! *silly corey* well thats what I'm mo' do lol i <3 laughing

3. My mom called me yesterday and told me she needed to tell me something, and i was just like "oh god is it going to upset me, if so I cant take it right now." and she went silent...and I’m just like "*sigh* just tell me" she made me promise not to tell my grandmother. and I did. And then she told me that she’s in trouble....again....and this time might be bad. I seriously cant take thinking about her in jail again....ugh. She’s supposed to be sober, and yet she steals again. At least this is the first time in 10 years she’s done anything, but she’s supposed to be better, i don’t understand. (I hate how depressing my entries sound. its not totally my fault.)

4. I’m in the process of finding a new job, and I don’t even know what i think i would be good at. I just know i need one asap, or else all the money I’ve tried so hard to save will be gone again...
I cant take living with my grandparents, ugh its so shitty here sometimes. Every time i try talking to my grandmother she will change the subject totally, and comment on me in a bad way. and its usually about my looks (in a negative way) i seriously have no self confidence. And her pointing out my faults all the time doesn’t help me any. God 10 years of her always doing that to me. "cut your hair it looks horrible" "your sideburns make u look weird" "that shirt makes u look "sissified"" Its always something about the way i look and it hurts. I don’t know what’s she’s trying to do. I don’t do that to her. I get up this morning and the first thing she says to me is "cut your sideburns you look like a bum" good times with grammy.

I know you don’t care....but you make me smile, even after a day of disappointments.

thank you.

The UPside of down

2006-02-10T19:23:55Z

I went on the WEIRDEST "date" last night. I wouldn’t really call it a date, i felt like i was by myself for the whole time. So my friend's friend set me up with this guy and so he IMs me and asks to hang out, so after the 2nd day of him asking i agree, and we plan to go to the movies to see Acrapolis (aka Annapolis) The movie sucked REALLY DUMB the ending was hilarious in a very sarcastic dumb way. The guy goes "so do u think if the fight went on, you would have made it?" and the other guy goes "If you want to find out, join me in the Marines" yeah they totally put a marines commercial in there. The guy i went with (don’t even know his name, didn’t really care to) he approached me, and like didn’t even look at me and was like "...hi..." i tried many times to make conversations with him (and of course i was high out of my gourd lol, i had to be to see that stupid movie) We go to the ticket booth, and i see the Flightplan poster on the wall behind them. I had to look twice at it. I just saw Jodie Fosters lil face and then i noticed there was a leg coming out of her mouth, because i guess the people that work there were putting a funny collage together on it. I had to say it out loud and the ticket person laughed. And my "date" was all serious faced the WHOLE TIME! He got popcorn, then i saw a poster for The Hills have eyes and im like "OMG that looks so good don’t you think?" and he simply says "I don’t want to see it" and im just like giggling and i said "..ok.." WEIRD! Then we go into the theater and i try again to make a conversation and im like "so being from mass it must be sooo boring in Maine" and he said "yeah really boring" and i said "well in the winter of course its going to be, but in the summer there is soo much more to do..." and he cuts me off and says "yeah caz the beaches are open" ........ i was just like "yup..." So he waits until he is half way done with his popcorn to offer me any. ugh god it was bad. The movie gets over and we are walking out in silence. Which i cant stand silence. So i try again and i ask "SO did you like the movie" he says "it was pretty good" that was it. Then we get to our cars and he just like walks off, and im like laughing my ass off going "WHAT THE FUCK!!!" and he says "ok well ill talk to you later. and gets in his car. i ran into mine and laughed for an hour then called Tony and we laughed together.

Im seriously giving up on ever trying to get a relationship. I don’t know why guys don’t like me. I cant be THAT ugly. The only people that find me attractive enough to say anything are my grandmothers old lady friends who call me "handsome" LMAO! Valentines day is gonna suck. I mean compared to last year when my ex broke up with me to be with someone else on Valentines day, at least I don’t have anyone to leave me. So im about even. Im just going to give up on trying to find a guy... until some guy sweeps me off my feet!....then drops me when he sees someone "better" I should just buy a whole bunch of black shirts grow my hair out a lil and dye it black and move away and become EMO lol... ugh i hate being all "whiney" about this stuff just hurts when u feel unattractive. I used to not care, but you can only pretend you don’t care after so long. I really like someone now, we have a lot of stuff in common. but i know its all me that feels that way and not the other way around. Whatever though at least we still talk... Just another thing im used to, that i pretend that it doesn’t bother me, when in reality it really does. *sigh*

Ok enough of the depressing stories. So the whole time i was "watching" Acrapolis i was like off in thinkland...going off on ideas for this movie i've been thinking of. it got to a point where i was gonna leave and go to the concession booth and ask for a pen to write on a napkin. I stayed up till like 3:30am writing/listening to music. Jason called me in that time frame and made me laugh times 10 which i was so thankful for after that shitty "date" made me forget all about it in the Margaret Cho jokes that he sold.

Plans for today: hang with Erika, get high, go to the mall return stuff that I overspent on, then see Final destination 3.

"....to be happier....and safe..with you.."

2006-02-09T03:33:39Z

"..it's real early morning
no-one is awake
i'm back at my cliff
still throwing things off
i listen to the sounds they make
on their way down
i follow with my eyes 'til they crash
imagine what my body would sound like
slamming against those rocks

and when it lands
will my eyes
be closed or open?

i'll go through all this
before you wake up
so i can feel happier
to be safe up here with you" ~Bjork "hyperballad"

Wow i found some pretty awesome songs today x10 one i cant stop listening to, both songs that ive been like "whoa'in" over is a new Yeah yeah yeahs song which is Gold lion, and the other is YYY's version of Bjork's song Hyperballad, which I’ve always loved, caz it has a meaning to me. ....anyways. Dad left today for 3 weeks to Australia....you know sometime id like to be asked to go someplace with him....just to be asked is almost enough. But that would cramp my dads style i guess. whatever. He's always gone on these little prick trips since i was a young'n. I remember one time i was really sick and my mom begged my dad to come home...and he didn’t. But yeah he’s been everywhere, most I’m not even going to name. Some i can like Brazil, Britain, Egypt, Caymans Islands, Fiji, Costa Rica, Mau, Honduras, Mexico aka Cancun, Cuba, California... see everywhere, i could go on got fuckin 007 for a father i guess. Oh well i guess its just his escape, from what he has to escape from i cant imagine, he flies for a living for the airlines, and is never home. But yeah I’ve always begged my dad to bring me with him and he’s like...nawww. Uh selfish bastard. When/if i get rich if i ever make it big with a movie or something, I’m gonna slap him in the face with some hundreds.

BUT he did show interest for me at the LA Film school. So maybe this isn’t a pipe dream after all. It would make me so happy, ugh i cant even say. all the friggen dreams i had of becoming a director i gotta do it, its the only think i could ever see myself doing. I could never get into the 9-5 grind, like that movie "Fun with Dick and Jane" shows pretty much how we are like robots in living. Ok enough of my anarchy lol jk. Anywho yeah so my dad told me that if i was gonna do this, that he might possibly go to his job through LA and we would get a place! I almost pissed myself, but then thought about how cold I would be afterwards made me resist. Its either that or NY for the New York Film Academy. But I really wanted to get away from winter...the coldness....the coldness!!! New York just wouldn’t be as far away as California, New York would also make a lot more sense because my nana lives in New Jersey, and we would be close to them. UGH I’m so torn. I don’t even know if i can get in yet. All i know is the admission is $100 so I gotta make damn sure i pick the right school.

So i was randomly watching MTV when i saw they had a Gay episode of what was it....some dumb name im sure....oh yeah...*puffs cigarette* "date my mom" which is totally stupid...i dont think i have to state the obvious. If anyone judged me by my mother they would think i was some brain dead ditz....close.. lol but anyways. I've notice how MTV is all about meat eating. Its reallllly weird. One time i was watching "NEXT" and some girl nexted this guy caz he was a vegetarian and wouldn’t eat her chicken wings. She’s like "I want a man who will eat the chicken and the legggg..." i was like oookkkk.... Then on the gay episode of Date my mom the date was oddly going on a date with a mom to make sausage.....i was like WTF who does that on a date...NO ONE...then she mentioned that her son was a veggie as well...and the guy didn’t pick him because he wanted a guy who "eats allll the meat" (notice how they are all sexual innuendoes) THEN they have an even more figged up show called "Parental Control" which basically speaks for itself, the parents get to pick who their kid dates. And this episode the kid was a girl who's parents hate her boyfriend and wants her to leave him for someone "better" and weirdly enough she does it. He boyfriend which is now her ex i guess, was a vegetarian. And her "nice white Christian" parents (mainly her father) was like "he doesn’t eat meat, he’s a vegetarian, and i like to hunt, and he cares about the animals." that was what he had to say when he was trying to say why this guy isn’t a good match for his daughter, oh yeah and caz he has tattoos. Then the father was interviewing guys for his daughter where one of them tell him that "he’s an ass kinda guy" when the father asks "what he looks for in a girl" THEN the father asks what’s the most masculine thing about him....and one said "I like to BBQ" and the fathers eyes lit up....i was just like WTF?!?! i was in this total like 2 minute "huh?" stage...OK I don’t know what the hell eating meat has to do with masculinity, i mean last time i checked women eat meat as well. Anyways i just thought it was really weird and for some reason its bothered me all day...

Never is a promise..

2006-02-06T19:50:46Z

Last night was crazy, Tia's lil party last night was kicking, we got buzzed then drove to nowhere, and there was this little park filled with beautiful homes, like for rich people, and all of them were empty, but there were cars out front of them. It was like a perfect place. When i first saw it i was like OMG Its like the Stepford wives neighborhood. Totally freaky...Then we watched the L word which was awesome as usual, then we hung out for awhile in the basement and chilled and talked and what not, and somehow, i don’t know how, we always get into my sex/relationship life...I’m just like O GOD...i go there to get away from that crap, now i got to talk about it. I mean its not all bad, we deff have a few laughs over it caz we all make jokes about something’s that we all have in common. just sometimes it brings up things that i want to forget about. But at least they share as well. I’m not used to "sharing" Erika and i usually leave things like that alone caz we know neither one of us wants to talk about it/wants to remember our guy problems. At least u can say we've cried together...then smoked. haha

This morning was also crazy. I wake up at like 12:30pm after coming home at like 1:30 last night. And i decided to clean my room/change by bed. And I’m like doing it all in my boxers, and then the phone rings i debated to answer it, then i do at the last minute and the answering machine of course picks up so i have to run downstairs and turn it off, then someone is knocking on the door, and its my older cousin Brian, so i run upstairs and put on my pajamas, and let him in. then i tell him my grandparents are not home so he just comes in and eats his sandwich because he was on his lunch break or something like that, i stopped listening after awhile... anyways. So then i try and put my contacts I’m (trying to get ready) Can i just say how much i hate contacts/ but love them caz I don’t have to wear glasses. This morning they were a pain in the ass to get in. One of them was killing my eyes so i had to keep playing around with it and then it went in with no pain. Ugh i hate my eyes!!! Then out of the corner or my eyes I see someone walk by the window and its some old woman for my grandparents. and I’m like "Oh god" so I’m like well i might as well get dressed so i go up and put some pants on (i did have a shirt on the whole time don’t worry) and i get the door and they leave something for my grandparents then they left. I was like wow...

"..Swirling black lilies totally ripe.."

2006-02-06T00:23:14Z

Yesterday was a total spending spree with Erika. We went to the mall and they were having sales!!...SALES! we just couldn’t resist. I got mucho socks and protein mix caz im a skinny bastard. And this sweet Daria shirt! i was so excited. We also went into Portland and went to Mexcially Blues and they were having a sale as well! so we each got scented oils to rub on our supple bodies hahaha and i got some prayer flags caz i think they are the shit. Now my bedroom looks like a Japanese allyway! just what I’ve always wanted!! lol. I also got a Bjork DVD, which has a collection of all her music videos. They are all very interesting and the cinematography is amazing and i could also tell there were tons of meanings in the videos.
Erika and I were pretty much "gone" all day *wink, wink* Tonight i plan to be "gone" with Tia and her sis and her friend jen for the L Word Sunday!...not the shitty old super bowl Sunday L WORD Sunday is way better! lol ..ok

Today was weird. I stayed up way too late last night and made me sleep in till like 1:30pm. Then i went over to erikas, and then went to hang out with Chris, I’m not all about Chris, he can be reallllllly annoying. Heather and i know this because we had "the pleasure" of sitting next to him in into to fine arts class. Not so good times. Then we go to this drink shop called Bubble mania which Erika and i go to each time we go into the city. We randomly sit down, and read a "Star" magazine and we see our horoscopes and i read mine which is Leo. this is what mine said:

"Things are not as bad as they seem."

which was really creepy caz I’ve been feeling down lately as the result of some people out there, and being confused on where to go to college (but mostly the person part).
But I’m gonna forget about the bad times and just enjoy the night!

"Reminders of then...everythings"

2006-02-02T20:40:54Z

"somersault
to september
hope i last
til november
birthday boys
don't remember
all around
i see
reminders
of then
why am i surprised?
lies and bullshit
and bullshit and lies
you'd think i'd give up
after so many tries
but my finger's on the trigger
and my eyes are on the prize." ...yeah

Today is one of those days you think about how selfish some people are, who will use you, and not even think twice about it....all because it is convenient for them.

Sleeping yet...awake

2006-02-02T05:03:11Z

Well today was boring and useless. I feel so gross when i have days like these. Believe me I'm all about living life to the fullest, I even promote it. But in order to do that, you kinda need money for most things that help you to live life to the fullest. I took a pill last night that was supposed to help me to sleep, and it made me groggy all day today and I hated it. Erika and i did a whole bunch of stuff today that I don’t even remember doing. Its so weird. I don’t remember anything past 12pm.... that is creepy ill never take another one of those pills again. I forget the name of them but there was only one left anyways. I remember Erika and I were watching I <3 Huckabees, and i was like trying my best to keep my eyes open which I NEVER fall asleep to movies. This was at 5 and i told her that I needed to go to bed and nap, then id call her and we would hang out around 9, so i took her home then went to bed. I woke up at 8:30 and i was still tired, so i called her and we talked then we just made plans for tomorrow.

There are some AWESOME movies coming out soon that are on Erika and Corey‘s "See it list"
1. Silent Hill
2. UltraViolet
3. The Hills have eyes (remake)
4. Hard Candy
5. Stay Alive
6. Final Destination 3
7. Date Movie

We are mostly excited for Silent hill caz that movie looks so freaky like the video game. I remember when the first game of that series came out I was so freaked out when i played it. Its like one of the most disturbing video games ever. But yeah there are some awesome movies coming out in '06!!!

I’ve been coming up with shitloads of ideas like I’ve been saying. I sleep with a notepad right next to my bed, caz ill wake up and have ideas and need to write them down. Speaking of my room. Its a mess x100 I blame it all on my closet. Its sooooooo small. and i have to like pull clothes apart just to fit more clothes in it!! i hate it.

Life.... sigh

2006-02-01T05:07:05Z

I’m so disappointed right now. I thought things were looking up, and i thought i had met some cool people but its all a lie. To what you think may be much different from what others think. Some people are only about playing with you, and lets not forget using you. I cant say how much I’m sick of that. It keeps happening. Can i stop it...no/don’t know how to. I’m sick of hurting like this. I cried today over someone who I shouldn’t have. I don’t want to be toyed with anymore. I’m sick of being used, i feel i have no importance to anyone. and i feel like i should just not try anymore. I’m sick of disappointments that I have come to be surrounded by. I just want things to change that cant be changed.

I'm sick of society expecting that after you have been though a emotional experience that lingers in your mind months after it happened, to cope with it like everyone else, and expect you to come out of it fine and dandy, with no problems, no scars. There is no self expression anymore, and no empathy.

has anyone tried to see something in someone that just wasnt there?

....wow this entry was deep...i must be tired. need sleep. the venting is over thank god. haha.

The future...

2006-01-30T22:01:54Z

First of all last night rocked. I hung out with Erika till like 6 which was a blast as usual and i helped her hook up her internet, when i say helped i mean i called the help hotlines for her lol caz i know just as much as her about computers which is little. then i went home and ate. i was up for a total of 22hours and it sucked. I slept in this morning till like 1:30. haha i was sooooo gone.

So it was creepy when i got up i saw a folder on the counter, it was from the LA Film school in California. I was lik YAY!!!! I tried to control my excitement as i ripped open the package. It was a brochure that told all about the school and there were papers in there about financial aid and more stuff about the school. the woman from the school who sent this to me like personalized the crap out of the papers. I felt so wanted haha but that’s the whole thing with college. they just want your money. It was really weird caz i was just talking about college and this school in my last entry, and i was thinking about it all yesterday IT'S A SIGN!!! lol...i wish. It costs like 100$ just to apply there. I even had an hour long call yesterday from a woman in California, who kept talking and talking and talking. Which was really annoying yet interesting caz she was talking about things that i agreed with. Like how Bush wants to drill for oil in Alaska...i mean come on....who thinks that’s a good idea. Could anyone be THAT despite for oil. The sad thing is that we will drill into our natural resource before we find a supplement for Oil. SAD SAD SAD. Then she asked me what i planned on doing in the future. I told her Directing, then she went on a big talk about that and im like oh god... She was like THATS AWESOME OMG!! and went on about her son who is an actor. I liked talking to her don’t get me wrong but i was working so i had to kind of push her along. Even though i still wanted to talk with her. We got in our conversations. She told me she wished me the best of luck and to get my butt in California, and i told her thank you, and i hope maybe one day ill see you when I'm there" Then she asked me for my First name and Last name and told me she will look for me in the movies! which i though was totally sweet, and she made my day :-)

It scares me to think of myself In California even the woman who called in LL Bean agreed that California is all about looks. I couldn’t take that. Ugh!! But still id be all on my own out there which scares me even more. But if i want to go into this business i got to do it. I mean i could always go somewhere close. But its better to go to a well known school, where u at least have a better shot at making it. which is all i want! I woke up last night with a movie idea and i had to get my paper and write for like an hour about the story and the characters. My mind was just flowing out ideas. and it kills me that i cant do anything with them. I don’t think i could take another year of working at odd jobs, nor do i want to... I've got to do something.

I got LAID..........off......

2006-01-30T05:09:38Z

I wake up at 4:40am after going to sleep at 12am, to go to work at 5:30am....i was soooo tired. Work was....work...and it sucked and was really boring. So half way through the day a woman comes up to me (ON MY BREAK non the less) and hands me a paper saying that my temporary position there is up on Feb, 26th. It had to happen now i guess, i mean i was only getting one day a week. But still if i had the job i could have had two jobs. God knows this job pays WELL! So yeah i just got home from Tia's and we watched "The L Word" which has become a routine every Sunday when its on. We smoked in her basement and laughed for about 2 hours, then her dad randomly came downstairs and is like saying "Its ok, Its ok.." as he was coming down the stairs, we all knew what he was talking about...the smoke. We knew he knew...and if he didn’t care we got over it.

So im in the weird dilemma. I think this guy at the local Store/sandwich shop flirts with me every time i go in there. I don’t know how to read signs AT ALL! im so dumb when it comes to that, and i get all nervous to what to say and all that. ok so this is what makes me think this 1. He remembers what i like on my sandwich. 2. he always makes conversations with me. 3 he looks like an Abercrombie metro guy. 4 he remembered that i was going to a club last week and asked me how it went. 5 when i told him it was club 313 he said he knew that club and heard it was awesome, but has never been (and its a gay club) 6. asked me what my plans were this weekend. Yeah im betting he is just being really nice, and thinks of me as just a regular customer. But its always so weird and awkward when i go there, caz he says something that make me think...hmmm he could have meant that as this...or this. Anyways it doesn’t matter to me weather he likes me or not, which im sure im not his type. the only guy i want to know if he likes me or not, lives far away and prob does not share the same feelings i do for him. Ive been hoping things go well....but like i said im prolly the one with the more feelings for him then he does for me. *sigh* i really should just give up on guys, i want a relationship god knows that, but its like no one else does or wants one with ME, but as much as i want a guy right now...none are liking me, thus i should give in and just focus on college and work my ass off to get a shot at my dream of being a director....thou love would be good with that....damn it!
work again tomorrow...5-12am....ugh then looking for a *gulp* new job....ughhhhhhhhhhh :'(